That'd you'd rather behave like an Inmate than a Warden. That you aspire to be hunting down Inmates like animals when they've done nothing wrong! That she -
[She's losing it a bit now. She didn't actually think she could feel any worse but no, this is pretty much the straw breaking the camel's back.]
- that she can't trust you, that you have no respect for anyone here, or anything we're trying to accomplish! You are trying to teach someone not to indulge the worst parts of themselves, do you understand that? You are trying to help your Inmate be someone better. I don't know how you expect to -
[She pauses. Her breathing has gotten ragged.]
Aleera, get some perspective on your job here or just leave. Find another world to live in and go. I cannot watch you get demoted -
[There might have been more, but she cuts herself off.]
I have... Urges. Days this lasted. I rediscovered true joy in the old ways. The memories from that place are difficult to not find satisfaction within.
I must find... What is word? Like pipe with the need to gush with water.
I forget this is job to be here. You are right in this.
Just as it can be difficult to forget the passion for wickedness. Or perhaps not this, but...
Using this passion. Yes. This. The enjoyment found in release.
It is like rich cream and sex. You understand my meaning? The inflicting of death, pain and suffering, like... Addiction? And it was my purpose there to explore it.
I would be lying to write that these memories were not enjoyable.
For a long time I wished that you would go back to how you were. But this path you are on now is your choice, and the least I can do after everything is respect it. Even if I do not truly understand it.
[Yep, someone is suffering some after effects. He's almost never this earnest.]
You can emerge. You are not a slave to your urges. You can still choose.
If you were not here, and had not broken trail ahead of me I very much could have dismissed it and him.
But I suspect that intellectually understanding all of this is not enough. I am still largely hollow and frozen within. I can understand something's value, but it is not part of my passions or my instincts.
The main difference between that man and I is that I still have no heart.
It would be a source of great alarm, had you gained a reflection... We have just ended one time of troubles. Another so soon would be of considerable worry!
Yes, I know, but sometimes it is quite inconvenient. Such as when one wishes to set one's nose-bone in the right direction and have to do it blind. It keeps healing before I can do it correctly!
It was a lovely little brawl, but this is a bit embarrassing.
Yes, well, you have a lovely little button where I have a great awkward crow's beak. [A pause while he checks with his fingers to see if it's straight] Also this fight was a bit different. I wasn't intent on killing him.
[oh she is not even going to say a thing, but she is listening hard. see, the problem with your logic, Aleera, is that Lua thinks of girls who go on killing sprees as very different from guys who have triple the body count. a guy can do it and just move on because killing is fun, but she's only been brought even near that point once in her life, and that was personal: that girl in black was going after Ladd. so if you're happy you get to hurt someone, you must have actually hated them or wanted them gone or watched to teach them a lesson. and what does that say about how close she is to dying, if she steps out of line?
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timeasmymeasure
Private/Voice
Date: 2011-08-22 06:00 pm (UTC)[Guess who sounds like they're on a shitton of painkillers and completely unable to deal with this?]
Re: Private/Voice
Date: 2011-08-22 06:36 pm (UTC)[IS IT SHEGO?]
Private/Voice
Date: 2011-08-22 06:39 pm (UTC)Try to think of what you're saying to and about everyone here. Think of the message this sends to your Inmate.
Re: Private/Voice
Date: 2011-08-22 06:59 pm (UTC)Private/Voice
Date: 2011-08-22 07:21 pm (UTC)[She's losing it a bit now. She didn't actually think she could feel any worse but no, this is pretty much the straw breaking the camel's back.]
- that she can't trust you, that you have no respect for anyone here, or anything we're trying to accomplish! You are trying to teach someone not to indulge the worst parts of themselves, do you understand that? You are trying to help your Inmate be someone better. I don't know how you expect to -
[She pauses. Her breathing has gotten ragged.]
Aleera, get some perspective on your job here or just leave. Find another world to live in and go. I cannot watch you get demoted -
[There might have been more, but she cuts herself off.]
Private: In writing and a long time later, because you gave her lots to think about...
Date: 2011-08-22 11:56 pm (UTC)I have... Urges. Days this lasted. I rediscovered true joy in the old ways. The memories from that place are difficult to not find satisfaction within.
I must find... What is word? Like pipe with the need to gush with water.
Outlet. Yes. This word.
Private/Text
Date: 2011-08-23 12:05 am (UTC)[...]
I know it must be harder for you than most people to adjust after a flood like this. I'm sorry I snapped at you.
[Seemed to have worked, though.]
Re: Private/Text
Date: 2011-08-23 12:29 am (UTC)Just as it can be difficult to forget the passion for wickedness. Or perhaps not this, but...
Using this passion. Yes. This. The enjoyment found in release.
It is like rich cream and sex. You understand my meaning? The inflicting of death, pain and suffering, like... Addiction? And it was my purpose there to explore it.
I would be lying to write that these memories were not enjoyable.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-22 09:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-22 11:58 pm (UTC)I should not have declared things in the way I have.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 12:05 am (UTC)You will find your balance, I have no doubt. You have never been short on strength.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 12:22 am (UTC)For you, this is your natural state.
For me... For me, that was so.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 12:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 12:47 am (UTC)And this is one puddle I find it difficult to emerge from.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 12:53 am (UTC)[Yep, someone is suffering some after effects. He's almost never this earnest.]
You can emerge. You are not a slave to your urges. You can still choose.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-23 01:22 am (UTC)/still working on said note. Derp.
Date: 2011-08-23 01:38 am (UTC)STRANGE CREATURE!
Date: 2011-08-23 01:42 am (UTC)Perhaps you shall not have long here.
>^o.o^<
Date: 2011-08-23 01:57 am (UTC)But I suspect that intellectually understanding all of this is not enough. I am still largely hollow and frozen within. I can understand something's value, but it is not part of my passions or my instincts.
The main difference between that man and I is that I still have no heart.
Kittens!
Date: 2011-08-23 02:21 am (UTC)You have heart. As do I. You need but open it.
[private]
Date: 2011-08-23 02:27 am (UTC)Re: [private]
Date: 2011-08-23 02:37 am (UTC)I must respect that.
[private]
Date: 2011-08-23 03:13 am (UTC)Re: [private]
Date: 2011-08-23 03:23 am (UTC)[private]
Date: 2011-08-23 03:58 am (UTC)*crunch*
Ah! There goes my nose. I wish I could check it in the damned mirror.
Re: [private]
Date: 2011-08-23 04:07 am (UTC)Why does your nose not... Heal?
[private]
Date: 2011-08-23 04:27 am (UTC)It was a lovely little brawl, but this is a bit embarrassing.
Re: [private]
Date: 2011-08-23 04:41 am (UTC)[private]
Date: 2011-08-23 06:55 pm (UTC)Re: [private]
Date: 2011-08-23 07:14 pm (UTC)[private]
Date: 2011-08-24 12:46 am (UTC)[not here]
Date: 2011-08-22 09:43 pm (UTC)have fun figuring that out.]