But your insistence wore me down, Vladislaus. You got what you want. No doubt, to replace me as quickly as you had wished to replace Marishka and Verona.
Actually...I have no such aim anymore. It was a fool's ambition, blindly seeking comfort as quickly as possible. And it was spiteful as well.
I do not expect anything from you. You simply should know...I do not think there is any replacing you anymore. Any of my Brides...losing you once, I began to understand. But now I have lost you dozens of times and I truly do. I can distract from you, I can move on from you, I can argue with you. But I cannot replace you. Your absence will be palpable decades from now.
I am not at my sanest in this place, though I have found some equilibrium since then. I was also having a tantrum.
I have...experienced...your, Verona and Marishka's deaths, and the events leading up to them, multiple times. In such a way that I cannot deny my complicity. It was brutal, but it provided me with a certain insight.
As did spending most of a week capable of finer feelings, with a knowledge of how a man like that loves--and misses--his wife.
I used you and the others like pawns for my ambitions, and I treated you as replaceable when you are not. Some of what I desired were things you and the others wanted as well, but it changes not that I was callous and put you at risk. I was not capable of doing rightly by you, but that changes not the fact that you deserved far better.
I was bewitched, yes. Night after night I slept and dreamed of that which I have done. Or...neglected to do. The last night, it was you and the others, dying as I felt it. I did not like it one bit, but it served as a reminder not just that I am alone now, but why. It wasn't just the hunters. It was I.
And then there was the matter of D, the mortal I became during the Breach, who mourned his wife--lost to another war while he was off fighting it. I cannot rid myself of those memories, and perhaps I should not after all. He could love, even if it ripped him open.
I cannot, myself. But I do have a third emotion now, which I feel with great clarity. Regret. After everything, every... [ok, pride getting in the way here; he hesitates but gets it out] ...failure, I at the very least owe you true honesty. And yes, respect. No more childishness from me.
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timeasmymeasure
[private]
Date: 2011-06-01 03:31 am (UTC)But for the record, I didn't discard you. I thought this was what you wanted.
Re: [private]
Date: 2011-06-01 04:17 am (UTC)But your insistence wore me down, Vladislaus. You got what you want. No doubt, to replace me as quickly as you had wished to replace Marishka and Verona.
[private]
Date: 2011-06-01 04:36 am (UTC)I do not expect anything from you. You simply should know...I do not think there is any replacing you anymore. Any of my Brides...losing you once, I began to understand. But now I have lost you dozens of times and I truly do. I can distract from you, I can move on from you, I can argue with you. But I cannot replace you. Your absence will be palpable decades from now.
And perhaps that serves me rightly.
Re: [private]
Date: 2011-06-01 05:09 am (UTC)What has changed your way of thinking?
[private]
Date: 2011-06-01 08:38 pm (UTC)I was also having a tantrum.I have...experienced...your, Verona and Marishka's deaths, and the events leading up to them, multiple times. In such a way that I cannot deny my complicity. It was brutal, but it provided me with a certain insight.
As did spending most of a week capable of finer feelings, with a knowledge of how a man like that loves--and misses--his wife.
I used you and the others like pawns for my ambitions, and I treated you as replaceable when you are not. Some of what I desired were things you and the others wanted as well, but it changes not that I was callous and put you at risk. I was not capable of doing rightly by you, but that changes not the fact that you deserved far better.
Re: [private]
Date: 2011-06-01 09:37 pm (UTC)I... It is not like you to seem this way. This... Respect.
It is pleasant.
[private]
Date: 2011-06-02 03:56 pm (UTC)And then there was the matter of D, the mortal I became during the Breach, who mourned his wife--lost to another war while he was off fighting it. I cannot rid myself of those memories, and perhaps I should not after all. He could love, even if it ripped him open.
I cannot, myself. But I do have a third emotion now, which I feel with great clarity. Regret. After everything, every... [ok, pride getting in the way here; he hesitates but gets it out] ...failure, I at the very least owe you true honesty. And yes, respect. No more childishness from me.