vampish_aleera | Private/Romanian

I do not mean to worry you.

I am not doing so well in relating to the mortals of late. Especially my Warden. I suppose it was inevitable. I've done very well, all things considered, but something had to give eventually.

Lately, in the absence of any real company, I have begun much thinking on those kin who are no longer with us. Missing them. Regretting their loss and my part in it. Call it a...period of mourning, which deepened as time went on. Coupled with current conflicts it was causing me to long very much for escape from this place. Any way that I could. Except of course that there is no way out for me.

I spoke with my Warden and as usual it devolved into conflict. Upon discovering what I mourned, he accused me of whining, of feeling sorry for myself, and finally...well. He informed me that because not all our kin were willingly transformed, our relationship was thus false and I was having fond memories of lies.

Such an exquisite way with words. Such brilliant timing. He tries to rob me of even the right to miss my own and wish they had not died. I informed him multiple times that he had gone too far, and still he pushed.

So finally I became very blunt. I informed him that I would rather die and be with my people than keep on dealing with him. Next thing I know he is restricting me from the deck, threatening to have me locked up...panicking. I have no idea why. Death is impermanent in this place and there is no escape, so why would I go through with leaping off the Barge now that I know that?

He worries, Vladislaus. He reeks of depression, whenever I pass him by. His words may be misplaced, but... It took me considerable time to remember the workings of my mind in mortality. How, compassion can be weakness, but also strength.

And is, above all, chaotic.

And the one who wardens you... He is one of the weakest and most compassionate. We would have played merry games with him, in our world. Here? It is different.

Tell him he is to respect your sentiments and I think he will do so. He is one for the rules of aristocrats and nobility. And if he does not listen to you... Tell me this. He respects me. Perhaps, all there is now flows from misunderstandings.

If what you write of is true, then his locking away of you is... It is protection. It is his way. He has... Not had much successes, I recall. PErhaps thinks failing you will damn him. I do not know, only that his feelings can be fragile.

But I would not recommend a leap, no! Heh! This causes... Strange happenings upon you. The becoming of another who is not you. And the ship stops for your retrieval, I am told. It would cause only confusion within you and anger in others. It solves little and brings only humiliation!

And if there is one thing I know you to reel from, it is this!

It is better to think of victories yet to come, than disasters left behind... Verona resettled. I gave my word to join her. I suspect Marishka, too, may one day come... Better times are ahead. Do not fall into oblivion's abyss. Rise, instead, from its grasp.

I do not want to play games with him. Or upset him for that matter. This is not about troubling Armand. But he simply would not leave me be when I needed it most. There is a price to swallowing so much anger. I am not well.

His fragility is difficult for me to manage. Ever since he started acting like a different person he irritates me to no end. There's no longer much in the way of thoughtfulness or consideration to him; he's gone as judgmental and cold as Madame Frances. The fact that he is worried, or wept at the end of our argument, these things shocked me in light of how he treated me. Is it the habit of the French to disrespect any grief that does not come laced in teardrops?

No, I will not leap. I hear you and I understand. I have no desire to make myself any more hated than I already am, or lose any more of my mind than I already have.

I am sorry, but I cannot even conceive of victories ahead, or even improvements. I am a prisoner whose fate is to be decided by someone who barely understands me, and who listens to people who hate me far more than I. I'm never going to be good enough for him.

Still, I appreciate your time and your words. You have my word that I will not go over the side.

Perhaps you should... Issue challenge.

He waits for you to recover a passion for things. So, give him this! Say you are wanting to prove your worth, not fall to ashes in a puddle of kitten milk. Say you shall endure barbs and insults, not give them the time of day. But will seek where wickedness occurs when we next find port and prove that trust in you can be well-placed.

Show you are not true dead. Only undead.

If it helps you... I found solace in painting. Those who were my guides found much interest in what I made. Ask him if you may do this or perhaps sculpt in ice.

These things alleviate the boredom.

A challenge?

I understand. You are trying to blow on my embers a bit. It is appreciated.

If I can find a way to trust him again, and tolerate his company...perhaps I shall decide to impress him at that. Or the others.

You paint? That is actually interesting. I...I was gardening for a while. Now I'm...mostly I read.

Trust not necessary. There were times I did not trust mine.

This is not you, Lord! You are happy only when rising from ashes! Putting naysayers in their place! Proving it is you who are better than they! I know you!

No, it is not me. It is like an oppressing spirit I would seek to throw off. I will not sit under it long, I assure you. I merely...am surprised by its strength.

But I do hear you from beneath it. I will get past this.

Private/Romanian - Dracula:

[Private/Romanian]

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